


I drown in an ocean of pain and emotion (I cry and cry but just won't get it out)

by MadHare0512



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anger, Bisexual Male Character, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Gay Male Character, Gen, Grudges, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt Josh Russo, Josh Russo Needs a Hug, Living Together, M/M, Nightmares, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28385850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadHare0512/pseuds/MadHare0512
Summary: Josh could remember the day that Buck got his leg crushed, it was one of the few times he'd seen Maddie cry. Josh was there for Buck when he could be, offering his support during poker nights and driving him to his doctor's appointments when needed. They became closer, not as close as Josh and Maddie, not yet, but they got closer.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Josh Russo, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Josh Russo, Maddie Buckley & Josh Russo, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 9
Kudos: 102





	I drown in an ocean of pain and emotion (I cry and cry but just won't get it out)

I drown in an ocean of pain and emotion (I cry and cry but just won't get it out)

By: AndiKaneUnderwood

**AU:** **Canon Divergence**

_And the storm is rising inside of me  
_ _Don't you feel that our worlds collide?  
_ _It's getting harder to breathe  
_ _It hurts deep inside_

Josh could remember the day that Buck got his leg crushed, it was one of the few times he'd seen Maddie cry.

He remembered hoping that Buck would be okay, without the knowledge that one day, Buck would be incredibly important to him. He remembered taking Maddie to the hospital after Buck's surgery, visiting with the man for a while during his sedation. Maddie had been inconsolable during the time Buck had been sedated, tears running down her face almost constantly. Josh had stayed with her until Chimney got there and come back a few days later to see how Buck was doing, but then Dispatch got busy and Josh wasn't able to visit anymore. They officially met when Buck had taken Maddie home from a bar one night and by the time of the first poker night, which was instated because Buck had been lonely in the absence of his ex-girlfriend, Buck's leg had been uncasted and he was doing some exercises to regain his strength.

Josh was there for Buck when he could be, offering his support during poker nights and driving him to his doctor's appointments when needed. Josh was happy when the doctor cleared Buck for work and he felt angry when Maddie told him what Buck had said about Captain Nash not letting him back. Josh hadn't been sure about reaching out at first, with him being Maddie's friend and the gag-order on Buck for the people from the fire-house, but he did anyway. They became closer, not as close as Josh and Maddie, not yet, but they got closer. Close enough that Josh started telling Buck personal things about his life and Buck started sharing things back. It was great for Buck to have a friend also attracted to guys because then they could talk about the things Buck wasn't so sure about.

Then the date-from-Hell happened. Buck made damn sure to be there for Josh and after a few months, it was all okay. Josh was over at Buck's one night because Maddie was working and Josh hadn't wanted to be alone. They'd been watching some old horror movie that Josh hadn't wanted to see at first, but Buck had promised to protect him and Josh had caved.

Josh had jumped and hidden in Buck's shoulder five times before Buck paused the movie and laughed through his apology. They were halfway through Josh's movie choice when Buck admitted quietly that he'd only put on the movie to get Josh to be closer. He further admitted that he'd really enjoyed spending time with Josh and had found him very attractive since they'd met.

"Why didn't you say so before?" Josh whispered.

Buck had hesitated, then replied, "You're out of my league."

Josh pulled himself so he was eye-level with the other man. "What if," he murmured, "You let me decide that?"

The kiss they'd shared ensured they missed the rest of the movie.

_911~911~911_

They'd been living together for 2 months and dating for six when the nightmares ended up coming back. Josh's nightmares were of the attack on dispatch and the date-from-Hell. Buck's nightmares were of the night he was crushed under the fire-truck and the isolation he felt during the lawsuit.

When one had nightmares they spent the night curled into each other, reminding each other that they were there, that it had all turned out okay. Sometimes, on rainy nights especially when Buck's leg ached something awful, Josh would call Eddie to tell Buck that the members of the 118 didn't hate him and he was still a firefighter. Sometimes, on the nights when Josh's nightmares triggered a bought of dormant asthma he'd suffered in his teenage years, Buck would call Maddie to help couch Josh through the breathing exercises. On the nights when they both were struggling to sleep, they headed downstairs and had an ice cream fest where they watched happy movies and ate the ice cream in the freezer. This always ended up with Josh complaining about his weight and Buck would offer to help him work it off with a wink, which always caused Josh to blush a deep red. Buck would then laugh, offer to go to the gym with Josh, and they would both move on with their lives.

And maybe they were only doing their best, but the nightmares got less frequent, so maybe they were doing something right.

It should be said that Buck still gets upset when someone so much as _mentions_ the lawsuit. Sometimes, the others at the firehouse would use it to tease him, heedless of the fact that Buck often goes silent when it's brought up. When Josh noticed that, he asked Buck about it. Buck had told him about it, about the isolation and fear, how he's scared that they'd do it again. He told Josh about how Maddie and Athena had chewed the others out over the pain they'd caused him.

From then on, Josh made a point to gently steer the conversation away from topics that made Buck uncomfortable unless Buck had brought it up himself. Josh became a kind of buffer for Buck, and he was happy to do it. Buck was important to Josh, Josh wouldn't let anyone hurt the other man. So when Eddie brought it up one night when Buck was hosting a bonding night for the members of the 118, Maddie, and Josh, Josh steered the conversation a different way as usual. However, with the alcohol in Eddie causing him to be tipsy, he wasn't so inclined to let it go and kept pushing the issue, signaling some lingering anger that would need to be worked out.

"Really, it was so stupid," Eddie laughed.

Josh took in the way that Buck's spine stiffened, his shoulders tightening, and how his face pinched. Then he breathed in deep, setting his shoulders and his jaw, and prepared himself for battle. Josh wasn't a fighter, but to protect Evan Buckley he'd face even the harshest of storms. Buck would do the same for him, this was the _least_ he could do.

The others also looked a bit uncomfortable but pushed past it to laugh with the Hispanic man. Maddie looked ready to punch him, opening her mouth to say something, but Josh beat her to it. "It's in the past now, you don't have to keep bringing it up. You're making Buck uncomfortable," Josh stated firmly, drawing the line in the sand. Josh was perched next to Buck on the couch; a blanket draped over his lap, but his hair still styled with the remnants of the gel he'd put in it that morning. He knew well he didn't look ferocious, but that would change soon.

"Josh, you don't have to," Buck tried to protest, but Josh set a hand on his knee.

"He's making you uncomfortable and it needs to stop." Josh patiently watched as Buck relaxed fractionally. Maddie stood and walked over to stand behind her brother and best friend, her cheeks a bit pinker as she geared up for battle as well.

Bobby looked like he was a second away from a reprimand, as he had never truly found himself at fault for what he'd put Buck through. The thing was though, this wasn't Bobby's house. Bobby could make the rules at the firehouse where no one would question his authority because he was the captain and what he said was law. Here is Buck's living room, Buck had the power but wasn't comfortable using it. So, the task fell to Josh to put this man's overinflated ego in check.

Josh silenced Bobby with a look, sharp and bordering on furious. When Bobby wisely chose to remain silent, Josh turned his focus back to Eddie, who was still protesting angrily. "If you're going to continue making my boyfriend uncomfortable, then I'll have no issues asking you to leave."

It was then that Bobby decided to be stupid again, and opened his mouth, "You can't ask him to leave, Josh. This isn't your home."

Josh's face flushed and he made to retort, but Buck set a hand over the one still placed on Buck's knees. "Bobby, this _is_ his home. I told you my boyfriend was moving in with me two months ago. I introduced you after the train derailment call. He has every right to make decisions about who stays and who goes." Buck's voice was steel, body tense beside Josh, and Josh felt a ball of pride unfurl in his chest as Buck stood his ground like he hadn't been able to before.

Buck hadn't been able to stand up for himself before, because Bobby was a lot to Buck. He was kind of like Buck's father figure, 'kind of' because the younger man saw Bobby as the guy who checked up on him occasionally and as his Captain first and foremost, and Bobby was a hero. Buck had gotten over the father figure thing about two months after he was fired the first time. Bobby, it seemed, had never been able to separate his feelings from his work, but Buck had learned his lesson. Bobby soon became a tad bit overbearing, but Buck had allowed it until Buck was smothered.

That wasn't happening. Not this time.

Josh sat a little straighter, then fixed his eyes on Bobby, "I don't have an issue asking you to leave either if you're going to allow Eddie to continue making Buck uncomfortable."

"I won't tolerate-" Bobby began.

"I think it's for the better if you left and took Eddie with you," Chimney stated with a pointed look at the Captain.

"Bobby," Hen added softly, "Please, just go. Don't make me call Athena."

Neither of them moved from their spots in the chairs near the couch, but both were shooting Buck looks of sympathy and by the look on Bobby's face, he wasn't expecting them to stick up for Buck at all. He also paled at the mention of his wife and Josh could've kissed Henrietta Wilson. He actually might if this were to continue. Josh had met Athena a few times, going on ride-a-longs in his earlier days and when she came to ask questions about specific calls. If anyone could get it through Bobby's thick skull, then Athena Grant could.

Bobby looked affronted and angry for a long time, then he stood and hauled a still angrily cursing Eddie to his feet. He thanked Buck for hosting him through clenched teeth, then left Buck's house. Josh watched him go with an air of quiet superiority, knowing the battle had been won. Chimney, Hen, and Maddie left soon after that, citing tiredness and house chores as they left. Buck gave each of them hugs and a quick kiss on the cheek in Maddie's case.

As Buck cleaned up, Josh showered and listened to his lover idle around in the kitchen. Buck had once confessed that he couldn't sleep well unless Josh was there with him. Josh finished up in the shower and dressed quickly in pajamas. They laid down to sleep, Josh curling into Buck's side to keep him grounded in the present. "Josh?" Buck asked quietly, wrapping his arms around the shorter male.

"Hmm?" Josh hummed sleepily.

"Thank you for standing up for me." Buck's voice was a whisper, quiet in the darkness of the room.

Josh smiled, sitting up to look at Buck. "I told you, Buck. Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean they get to keep punishing you for it. It's time to let it go. Don't let them keep making you uncomfortable because it makes them feel better."

Buck was startled by the pure love he saw reflecting from the brown of Josh's eyes. He nodded, tears clogging his throat, and hugged Josh tighter to his chest. "I love you," he whispered.

Josh giggled, "I love you too."

With that, the pair settled back down and fell into sleep.

_And it's torturing me  
_ _But I can't break free  
_ _So I cry and cry but just won't get it out  
_ _The silent scream_


End file.
